But He Is Ugly

This morning I got in a slightly heated conversation with one of my best friends regarding how attractive a male I used to be with is. She said something about a male's company and I answered that sometimes I missed that about him and she replied that he was ugly though. After I woke up fully and realized that I was upset by this, I told her I didn't want her to say that anymore. She asked why and I explained that it was exhausting hearing it from everyone when I already know it and I can't change the past. She replied that she'd stop but she just couldn't relate because no one she talked to she thought was ugly. I was not surprised at this but disagreed with it because one male in particular stood out to me as a nice body but generally very unattractive. I responded that I didn't think he was at the time either. I have the feeling she may have got the message, but I'll never know. It is not my responsibility to teach her that lesson. I walked way from my phone and, since I was already up, went to have my quiet time.

Today I read 2 Corinthians 11:16-33. It was funny because as I was reading I realized it related directly to the conversation I had just had. Paul talks about how the Corinthians tolerated a lot of mess from people, "fools." My initial response to verse 16 was "oh heck naw, you wanna use this as an excuse to boast too?!" because Paul talks about them receiving him as a fool, therefore, him boasting like a fool. But as he continues to preface his comments he points out that the Corinthians have put up with so much more. "In fact, you even put up with anyone who enslaves you or exploits you or takes advantage of you or pushes himself forward or slaps you in the face." I realized God was speaking directly to my situation, so it was time for me to sit down and shut up.

This close friend had become that person that I tolerated with an open hand. Yes, we tolerate a lot of things in good, healthy friendships, but here are limits to everything. A friend should support, both ways, and I realized that, emotionally, I had made more sacrifices for her. She tore me down on several levels. If I was wearing something that was more sporty or if I talked to someone who was not as attractive as me. I had tolerated all this but not tolerated the emotional struggles that God has been forcing me to face with my past.

As Paul went on in verse 22 I began to relate even more to the passage. Paul sounded angry, point blank. He seemed to be tired of being discredited. This is exactly how I've been feeling lately, as if Christians and non-Christians have been discrediting me; either for my short comings or for my "perfect" life. Even now as I type I am moved by Paul's transparency (which some may view as a weakness of this passage, as I initially did) in his frustrations of being ignored and discredited for his work in Christ Jesus.

Finally, verse 29 screamed to me. "Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?" Oh! This was the first time I truly realized that the men of the Bible were indeed human. This is EXACTLY how I feel. I am weak and I inwardly burn. Oh Lord! I am not worthy of Your greatness! I am but a humble servant, weak and burning. I struggle daily to do Your will, my Lord. I struggle moment by moment to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Your will! Lord, please give me the strength to be Your servant. Stifle this burning in me. I love You, Lord. Thank You.

"Caught Up"

It has been a while. It has been difficult for me to pick up my Bible lately because I have been at war with things of my flesh. I confess to have given in to its desires, but constantly trying to come above water. My heart sang out "Desperate" by Lecrea, but my flesh continued to sing "Night-Off" by Drake. I was tired of following Christ and aligning myself with Him when I wanted a break from being a Christian. All these thought because I am tired of my school and its sensuality and flaunting of the secular. But at last, I am tired of the war waging within me and I have chosen side once again. I choose to follow my Savior who holds me when I need it most. I am not fighting this fight, He is.

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." 2 Corinthians 10:3-4

Praise God for His strong spiritual weapons! I am not alone in this fight, He is here with me fighting for me! Who am I to doubt His perfection?

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

I will take this verse and make it my verse for the week. My God, in His perfection will coat me with His perfect love. I will take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. He'll know what to do with the more rebellious thoughts. I will take each of them captive and hand them to Him to make obedient to His will. If Christ is for me, if He is pushing me, if He is inspiring me, who can possibly THINK they can be against me???

But I will depend on my Savior. He is so perfect. Oh! Why does He love simple little me? He keeps bringing me back to Him regardless of what I think He should do. He pulls me back into His perfect arms. OH!!!! How I love Him!!!

From being "Caught Up" like Usher to being "Caught Up" like Kirk Franklin. Praise the Lord! I only want You, Daddy!!!! Thank You!!! I AM A FRIEND OF GOD!

Walking On Water

Spiritual warfare is real. Daily, I walk on to my school's campus and find myself encountering various extreme dynamics of it. The sensual and impudent attitude displayed throughout my campus overwhelms me as I fight to stay above water in my walk with my Christ. But it is easy to feel like your drowning when only your head is above water. In brief moments you feel yourself submerge. You didn't mean to. And you wish you could take the sin back, but you cannot. I feel this way moment by moment at my campus. I have to consciously pull myself above the water to walk with my Lord. He knows my struggle and He is here to take my hand.

This summer, as Peter did, I cried out to God "Lord, if it is you tell me to come to you on the water." He replied a simple, "Come." I stepped out of my boat of safety and comfort where I could walk around as I pleased and stepped on the wavey, inconsistent water. I got to school and I noticed how hard it was out here, how difficult this walk would be, how strong the wind was and I was afraid, as Peter was. I began to sink. I cried out "LORD! Save Me!" And as always so faithfully, my Lord reached out His and caught me.

As I stand next to my Lord glad to be securely at His side, He looks at me with sad eyes saying, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" (excerpts from Matthew 14:27-31).

To this, I have no good reply. I stand here in the middle of the rocky lake weeping and shaking in my Father's arms. "Daddy, I don't know what to do. I keep loosing focus. I keep messing up. Please, Daddy, take me out of here so that I will no longer tarnish Your perfect name."

He wipes the tears from my eyes and says, "who are you to tarnish MY PERFECT name?"
I sit and listen. "He who has ears to hear, let him hear" (Matthew 11:15). I whimper softly. "This is not dependent on you, my love. This is ME. This is all for MY glory. You have nothing to do with it. You are my imperfect child just as they are."

"Oh Lord, let me do YOUR WILL!!!!"

I Am Souly Dependent

This summer I worked at Kids Across America. Definitely one of the best decisions I have ever made. However, I had several lessons to be learned in this experience. Although the summers theme verse was "Walk it Out" Ephesians 5:8 and there was plenty that I could receive from that verse, my personal theme verse for the summer was John 14:15 "If you love me, you will obey my commands." By this verse I was awakened to the reality of Christ. I realized that when I said "I love my Jesus and no one can question that," I was wrong. Plenty could question it. How many people could actually tell that I loved the Lord with out knowing anything about me, no one. It was a harsh reality I had to deal with.

Even after this reality I was angry. I knew I would have to let go of a man I cared for very deeply. I didn't understand how God would let a man like that come into my life and then take him away. I was happy with him but I knew that I could no longer live in sin as I had with him. I knew he wouldn't respect my decision to no longer do the things I used to. But this meant that I would be loosing my best friend, my comforter, my inspiration, and my smile. I reflected over all these things and then I heard God gently whisper "that's ME." It was so simple. All this time I had been depending on a man to satisfy my godly needs and desires. But it was time for me to let God satisfy those needs. I was dependent on man to change my mood and my happiness. But now it was time to let God do it. I had to be dependent on HIM. That was when I decided...it was time for me to be solely dependent on HIM, because my soul depends on HIM.

Therefore, I am Souly Dependent, sharing my struggles, questions and passions.