Beautifully Dynamic

Today I've decided to take a risk. My risk is in my truth. My truth is my fear. My fear cripples me in depression.

Everyone has something that either keeps him or her peacefully humble or he or she work to hide. For me, that is my fear. This crippling fear has made it impossible for people to fully understand me. When forced to have a vulnerable moment with a woman I consider to be one of the closest people to me right now, I was terrified and found myself seeking to give her peace more than attempting to resolve the issue that brought on my vulnerability. When I later explained this moment to my sister she responded, "oh she doesn't know you that well." I, offended on my friend's behalf, quickly defended that my friend simply had not really seen me like this before. My sister repeated, "exactly, she doesn't know you that well." I continued to explain my skill in maintaining my emotions generally and my sister said again "as your sister, hearing this, I have had plenty of time to know you, she just doesn't know you that well yet." This statement rang a bell for me. I was confused but also realized a peace in the realization of my walls. I felt a little bit safer. I realized this was often the issue with my friendships. I just don't allow my friends to get to know me that well. In all honesty, I'm okay with this reality. Having only a few people who really know me feels safe. My sister said something else, though, that made me realize by doing this, playing it safe, I was wrong.

For those reading this who do not know me, I am an amazing woman. The words dope, phenomenal, outstanding, beast, and stunning have been used to describe me all while joined with sweet, humble, loving, caring, and precious. I am honored to have such words used to describe this imperfect servant. I do not say these things out of haughtiness but out of humility in truth. To not share the truth of the struggles that are common to women would be a disservice: not because my words are so profound, but because there is power in truth in recognizing that emotions are no excuse for not being an amazing woman, in fact, they should propel for positive change.

I have been diagnosed with clinical depression since the fall of 2005. These past 10 years since have been hell mapping out my emotions, struggling to make progress, and seeking help from professionals and family. I won't pretend to have perfectly mastered the cycles which having depression creates; however, I have learned how to embrace and celebrate the variety of emotions I experience without tail-spinning or causing pain for the people who love me.

The primary ingredient is recognizing that my soul is dependent on my Lord. Sometimes forcing the remember that my joy is in Him and gulping in His freedom and peace. What I remind myself of is that He has given me everything I need, right now in this moment, to be great physically, emotionally, mentally, and in what people perceive of me. Which leads me to my secondary rule: live in this immediate moment. Enjoy it.

I work hard to live in the moment. Whatever that moment brings, I drink in. Recently, I was extremely sleep deprived and emotionally strung-out from traveling to an amazing wedding that I had the opportunity to serve in. All I wanted to do was be present for whatever the bride but I was useless emotionally and exhausted. I was with my sister at the time. I began crying, laughing with random screams all at the same time. My sister was deeply alarmed at my break down. I explained to her, to let the feelings out in a controlled environment, privately, was the best way for me to remain sane. I had to fully feel the reality of my conflict in order to move forward from it. After my hysterical moment passed, I told my sister I needed to just go to bed. People are often ashamed to feel the emotions that are less pleasant. What is crucial to realize is that your emotions do not have to change how you treat individuals but they do need to be expressed somehow and released. I am not so bold in this that I do this in front of people who I know will only judge or misunderstand the moment. I choose to do it privately, or in front of my sister.

I am getting ready to move in with this same woman who saw my depression cripple me. Our friendship will prayerfully grow stronger in this. My prayer is that I will learn how to let someone else within these walls, so that maybe I'll learn to make it a little easier let in the man God is preparing to lead my household or the future friendships God plans to foster for His glory. My fear is that no one can handle Karis Grace in full. It is easy to accept the joy that my God gives me to exude. When I am not living in that joy and freedom, it can be a challenge to accept just Karis. That is the fear. That is the lie. We are all human trying to navigate how to become better than the last generation. We are not alone. We are not crazy for feeling. We are crazy to want to hide those feelings instead of embracing the beauty of each moment. Today embrace what makes you human. Let yourself feel deeply. Laugh harder. Eventually you will discover that when you let yourself feel appropriately instead of stuffing down emotions in attempt to ignore them or lashing out at others, you will be happier. You will love people more. You will recognize: we're all beautifully dynamic survivors.

Like a BOSS

I grew up in a Christian household with parents who were extremely adamant about applying the Word of God to every element of our home. We were taught according to scripture, our lives revolved around scripture, even discipline involved scripture and praying. By the time I was in middle school and high school my demeanor was that of a very devout Christian young lady in the making but my heart was bitter toward the instruction I received even in the midst of genuinely desiring the Lord. When I got into college I saw there as an alternative to the Christ like lifestyle I had been taught. It did not take me long to toss out everything God had etched on my heart and fully embrace all that the world had to offer. In less than a year the movie of my life had changed from “Never Been Kissed” to “Coyote Ugly” and I reveled in it.

During my year off school I jumped into a group of college girls with a similar background to my own but also enjoying the worlds gifts that our parents did not tell us about. I had fun. I had heart break also, but I had more fun to deal with it. Since I was not in school, my fun was a revolving door. By the time the drunkenness wore off it was time for work. When work ended I would meet up with whichever boy toy was available until my friends got out of class. I was living. I got a tattoo with my best friend at the time, that I had long considered, but the meaning was simply that after all this time people were finally getting to see me: the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. I knew God’s scripture. I knew that I was saved because Christ died for me and by my belief I was saved. I also knew not to cause others to stumble so I told no one I was a Christian during this time because I did not want to misrepresent who Christ is but I also did not want to follow Him. I knew all the answers. I simply did not care and I wanted to do what I was doing.

Finally, I had a moment when quiet was required. As in Hosea 2:14 the Lord allured me to the wilderness of camp and I heard the voice of the Lord pulling me back to Him. But the words in Hebrews 6:4-6 rang clear in my mind: “It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted in the goodness of the words of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting Him to public disgrace” (NIV). I loved Christ enough not to be comfortable with the idea of crucifying Him again. I was uncomfortable and uncertain how to return to Him. So I returned to my parents’ home; seeing their unconditional love for me that I often misunderstood for their attempt to control or condemn me brought me closer to understanding how God loved me. Naturally, I ran from such an alarming love that I knew I could never return or repay.

I justified my disobedience to what God was calling me to with scripture. Jesus said if I look at a person with lust then I have already committed adultery in my heart, so why not get the physical benefits too? It was such a high standard and I just was not there yet. Maybe I would be one day. I applied this philosophy to everything I did, my heart has already committed the sin and created the debt, I might as well benefit from it. I would never be accused of being lukewarm. I was hot or cold. Either I was coolly fully following what my heart desires at that moment or I was in hot pursuit of my Father. The best part was I had it figured out. I was following God’s law as it was logical and as it fit well into my life, I was not pretending to be perfect, I was genuine that I was not what I was supposed to be. I knew Karis. I knew what she needed and what she did not. I was happily content--no, enthusiastic--about the manor in which my life was going. I was a BOSS.

Then my heart was broken. It was not broken because of the man who I dated whom I trusted my heart to. It was broken by me. It was broken because as perfect as I thought I was at protecting it and giving it what it needed, I had failed. This time there was no way for me to even rationalize my misjudgment because it had happened in front of so many people. I did not appreciate the harm to my reputation. I did not appreciate the harm to my pride. I did not appreciate the harm I had put myself in the way of. I was taking responsibility for my error and I did not appreciate the fact that God was not accepting my logical faith. I knew my spiritual walk and it was better than what it had been. I looked at all the spiritual opportunities God had given me, I felt that God would never have used me if my life was not what He wanted it to be. I had seen all I had done in ministry in the midst of my struggles and I was, personally, rather impressed. What I had been doing was working in every area, why did it not apply also to my heart and what it needed?

The issue was my heart. As Matthew 15:8 and 9 says, with my lips I honored Him but my heart was far from Him, I was keeping that for myself. The only person I trusted with it was me. The reason for that was because I only trusted myself to listen to it, to hear its pleas, and to potentially satisfy it. But what makes the heart so precious and necessary to protect is the same thing that makes it impossible for me to protect it myself. The reality was Jeremiah 17:9, my heart was deceitful and it is sick with all the elements it withstands. No one can understand it, no one except the One who created it. When you create something, you are aware of its intimate details and how various elements of your creation will interact with the environment.

When I was very little my grandfather built me a doll house. I had since repainted it and became extremely familiar with it. It was mine and I cherished it. I protected it, and I kept it clean. My grandfather came back to visit and discovered that I had made some changes. He reminded me of what everything was purposed for and how intentional he was with this gift. Although I was extremely familiar with the house, by the time I was an adult, when I gave it to my niece this past year I looked at it with new eyes and saw even greater detail in it. Such is the knowledge of my heart. God fully fashioned it for me and handed it to me. He reminds me of how it was purposed, to please Him. I continue to play with, protect, and use it according to my own understanding, but as I grow older, it is clear there is still more to be seen of it. Think of how many things your heart houses. Of course it is sick with how many things it is tossed about in. Love, hate, joy, pain, excitement, anxiety, so many emotions before even considering people and circumstances! With every sincere effort I cannot guide, protect, and cherish my heart while remaining the loving, joyous, trusting, gracious woman God has created me to be. Only the one who knows exactly how it will interact with its environment can possibly protect it. I only know the things my heart has already experienced but God knows every possible outcome from things I have experienced and things I am going to experience.

God has given me a heart that feels deeply my own emotions as well as the emotions of people I come into contact with. What a blessing! Without His proper protection it would be tossed and broken. Today my heart morns for all those who sincerely believe that they know what is best for themselves. I encourage you, reader, to not be bested by the world’s decision to look out for number one. Instead remember who is the number one in all things. He who humbled Himself for our sake, so that He could have a personal relationship to love us individually. To protect us in every way including from our “better” knowledge of the treasure He placed in us.

Finally, I leave you with this: scripture is clear that we cannot both love the world and love God (Luke 16:14). Who is master of your life? John 14:15 states, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” So, do you love Him? Will you trust Him with your heart today?

Perfect Love because I'm just not.

I’ve been on a significant spiritual high, seeing God do amazing things in crazy circumstances. This past week I prayed that God would never let my spiritual high end, that I would continue to experience His perfect joy. He has been faithful to deliver on that promise. As the week continued I began to measure things according to what I could handle in effort to not become completely antisocial. I am able to handle all television shows. I am able to handle a small amount of alcohol. I can handle spending time with a friend who doesn’t draw me closer to the Lord. I can handle it. I can handle all of it. And then I fell. Not in a huge way, no dramatic law broken, I simply disobeyed God’s command over my life. I denied His glory, that He was the one who gave me strength to handle anything. I began to test God instead of standing firm on His word and waiting for His guidance to move. I felt myself drawing away from the Lord and began to revel in my disobedience. I started recognizing the negativity and downhearted spirit within me. It was at church that I became painfully aware of how in less than three days I had began to turn away and give up on my Lord. I was locked out of the intercessory room, not because I was late, but someone simply locked the door a little early. I felt rejected and like God was taking me out of the moment of prayer. 

I felt angry and I could not let that anger go as I served. I stole away and had a quiet time. I read 1 John 4:19 “We love because He first loved us.” I was struggling to believe in God’s perfect love. I had allowed myself to experience guilt and shame over my behavior as if that was what God wanted me to feel when I am disobedient to Him. The reality is that His love is so perfect that He loved me when I was already jacked up. His love is so perfect that He wants me to remember that His love is perfect. He wants me to lean on Him first, not when all else fails. He wants me to fully lean on who He is today, first thing in the morning; place my confidence in Him. He loves me in my jacked-up-ness. Only God’s love is perfect. It is not by any capability of our own that we love each other or ourselves, but it is through God’s love for us that we understand these things and we strive to love Him back. With that He gives us the gift of His son’s blood so that we can see and seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit and be clothed in God’s glorious love for each of us and so love one another.

Counting All Joy in the Groceries

I was biking home from the grocery store. It was my first time using my new rig. As I’m biking and everything is going well, I start thanking God for the season of being able to bike as my primary means of transportation. I literally post on Snapchat expressing my happiness when I hit a bump and all my groceries in my rig spill. I briefly sigh because I’m nearly home and I’m ready to be there. Then I decide its ok because not all of my groceries spilled and now I can pack it better. I repack and make it to the corner only to have all my groceries epically spill and it begins to lightly rain. I smiled and repacked again, nervous only that I had been overzealous in my initial goal and rethinking the watermelon I bought. Immediately James 1:2-3 came to mind. I smiled and remembered to be grateful and noted the timeliness of my thoughts, that God had built a new endurance in me of not being outwardly positive but inwardly placing my fully trust in the Lord and having joy in that. I smiled at the spiritual battle that was just won within my spirit, repacked, and finished my bike home. My question to you is what are you building your endurance in? How are you building it?

Daily we are forcefully bombarded with images of power, pride, and promiscuity. We are taught that we have to be running to the next new trend. More and more there are individuals who find a new way of coping with the issues of the world by simply relaxing, catching the wave of life and letting it ride out, encouraging apathy. Truly the only thing that can make you content is understanding your purpose, which can only be understood through understanding the one who purposed you, and because He is perfect and cannot be part of any imperfection, that can only be done by understanding His Son. Which can only be achieved by knowing and trusting in Him. So what are you building your endurance in? When you get upset what do you do? Do you look for the nearest opportunity to vent your frustrations? Do you turn up your music? Do you blast gospel music so that everyone can understand you are trying to be filled?  Do you curse a little in your head when you drop something? How are you building your endurance?

James tells us in James 1:2-3 “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” To have all joy in every circumstance, even when some thing sincerely goes wrong. It is against our human nature to say “Lord, thank you for my stubbed toe.” But that’s literally what God calls us to do. Everything in our lives are to be a sacrifice before the Lord, which mean that everything in our life is a testimony unto the Lord’s goodness. By definition, we are in harms way, because God will be glorified in both good and bad circumstances, and because of His covering, we know that no true harm can come to us, but we also know that He is calling to have joy regardless of our circumstances because nothing is going to be perfect, because of the sin in the world, until we are apart from the possibility of encountering any sin within ourselves or from other people in heaven. So it is necessary, to have the peace that surpasses understanding, for us to have joy in all circumstances.

If we build our endurance by learning to swear a little, or grumble a little, we are not building perfect endurance which is what James talks about in verse 4: “And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” This is only achieved by enduring properly. Its not always about if we survive but how we survive. Things seem insurmountable all the time, that is life, everyone you see around you is surviving. Some survive by lashing out but God calls us to survive by leaning on Him. It is by leaning on Him that we can laugh and have joy regardless of our circumstances.  

Consider our ultimate model for how we should behave. Hebrews 12:1-3 teaches us Jesus endured and never said a word of complaint. He asked for the cup to pass but when in it, he did not complain. His spirit took pleasure (in the midst of physical pain) in doing the will of God. Luke 21:12-19 goes on to teach us to not even prepare for when we are tested but to FULLY rely on the Lord for what He will give us to say and do.  How can we do this if we are preparing and enduring in bitterness, hatefulness, or a grumbling spirit? The first thing that comes to mind is our own feedback on our circumstances, not what God would have us respond.

All of scripture is filled with reminders that we must build our endurance in good things (Galatians 6:9) God would not have inspired the authors of scripture to reiterate the need for endurance so much if it was not so difficult. The best way eliminate the chance of not enduring is to daily pray that God will inhabit your every motion. Submit yourself, mind and body before the Lord each day. Ask the Lord to control every aspect of who you are. Ask Him to help build the endurance within you that will be perfect so that you have no short comings and so that you can be reminded of how you are fully fulfilled in Christ, lacking in nothing.