My son's sounds typically wake me first as my chest prepares to be empties. I feel a trickle down the side of my chest, an odd sensation when your fighting to keep your eyes shut. In one motion I roll my body out of the bed and at my son's bassinet’s side. It is as if he can feel my presence because although I made very little sound to be heard over our window AC unit/ noisemaker, his fuss becomes slightly calmer in volume but more animated in gesture. Anticipating changing him, I quickly glance around the room for his changing pad, wipes, and diaper. As his crying escalates, I sweep him into my arms and hold him against my chest, reminding him that help is here and food is on its way. I continue to search the room but as the temporary calm leaves him, I realize that I'm going to have to wing it as is: this is what the early months are about right? Changing your child in the dark with little to no supplies. I began working through his breath taking whimpers and realize that it was not just a wet diaper. There was no working around this. "Bae" I whisper hoping my tone did not sound as desperate as I felt. My husband quickly wakes up and goes into emergency mode. "Sorry, I just can't find the wipes or his changing pad anywhere." Apparently stating these words did the trick because it then occurred to me to walk to the hallway where his bag was and grab what I needed there. My sweet husband still searching on, around, and under the bed in his sleep, I dashed to the diaper bag and salvaged wipes and the changing pad. LB was changed successfully within a minute later, whaling now, in spite of my husband's gentle comforts. Dad gave him a bottle until I could get settled and then I fed LB until he was ready to return to his bassinette again.
5am.
I can never seem to go back to sleep after his second nighttime feeding. This isn't exactly a problem except that it tends to limit me to 4ish hours of sleep a day. I have discovered this to be manageable, although if you told my high school or college self that 4 hours would become my good nights rest, I would have told you to stop speaking such shenanigans into my life (followed by a slick, "and that's why I'm not giving birth to children," that must have been God's favorite joke to hear coming from my lips). Side effects of my current sleep schedule: memory loss (as in whole chunks of life cannot be accounted for), irritability (I am so glad my husband loves me), a general lack of clarity of thoughts (sometimes I cannot finish any sentence, to the point that I genuinely give up), an increase social media presence (I'm now that sketch person who likes your stuff or adds you at odd hours in the night), feeling like no one gets your schedule (because no one does, if they are fully engaged mothers or close to engaged mothers, they know they know they probably don't get it, but that its okay), dramatized emotions of gratitude and anger (yes, specifically those), and hunger (like all the time and more than pregnancy even though I'm loosing weight still, you don't usually notice how hungry you are at night because your asleep, a blessing I took for granted). My favorite side effects come as result of the combination of all of the ones listed above: dreaming & discomfort. These two effects are what I pull on to motivate me.
My husband notices that I have not fallen asleep yet (he blames my phone) and encourages me to rest. I explain that I just don't feel sleepy. He warns that I'll regret it later when I don't have the opportunity. I concede and turn off my phone. My mind is still racing, wide-awake. I consider how I can start better using this time in the future and begin making a list of things to do in an hour. As I keep thinking, my husband drifts off. I feel bad for disturbing him now 3 times during the night (one other when I was pumping). I silently pull my phone from the end table and contemplate another round of Toy Blast. Bacarrie's right, I need this rest. I make a few attempts but by 6am I've given up.
6am.
The sky is beginning to transition to a deep purple with the sunrise from the black of the night. My silence during this sunrise hour is most essential as my family wakes easiest to light. Prior to my pregnancy this was the time I would wake up to do my morning yoga and have my time with the Lord. I begin this morning by reflecting on what my husband and I read the night before as we were having our last moments of pillow talk from "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson. We're only on chapter 2 and we are reading about Ordinary who is learning what it means to have a dream. This morning I saw that during his time with LB last night Bacarrie had posted a quote from the book. Last night was about leaving familiarity and our comfort zone, an extremely timely message. Bacarrie and I have decided that our family is temporarily going to be moving in with family. For me, this means both leaving familiarity and comfort. I will be relocating to a new city and new area I have not lived in previously, although I frequented our new home and have friends there. We've elected this route for one purpose: our dream. This dream is what keeps me up at night. Stepping into a deeper level of faith so that we may come closer to God, in so doing, come closer to our true being/potential, and have a deep impact on our community both physically and virtually.
Bacarrie and I met when we were both coming out of challenging seasons, spending time with individuals who sought more how to step on our dreams to propel their own forward. When we began to share what was on our hearts, we quickly saw something beautiful developing on a professional level even before we were able to fully recognize the beauty in our romance. I am grateful for this man who knows what the Lord has declare for us in our dream and is determined to see the dream through. I find myself often crippled by fear, but he walks when my feet won't move. When we both find ourselves falling into the quicksand that is our past seeking to pull us back in the Lord throws us a rope and builds His fence around us. Like Job, we see everything fall around us but like the woman and the oil; God gives us exactly what we need.
Now God has said, "its time." The timing is right and we are ready to not just chase the dream, but capture it and change the world with the gifts God has given us to achieve the dream.
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