Today I've decided to take a risk. My risk is in my truth. My truth is my
fear. My fear cripples me in depression.
Everyone has something that either keeps him or her peacefully humble or he
or she work to hide. For me, that is my fear. This crippling fear has made it
impossible for people to fully understand me. When forced to have a vulnerable
moment with a woman I consider to be one of the closest people to me right now,
I was terrified and found myself seeking to give her peace more than attempting
to resolve the issue that brought on my vulnerability. When I later explained
this moment to my sister she responded, "oh she doesn't know you that
well." I, offended on my friend's behalf, quickly defended that my friend
simply had not really seen me like this before. My sister repeated,
"exactly, she doesn't know you that well." I continued to explain my
skill in maintaining my emotions generally and my sister said again "as
your sister, hearing this, I have had plenty of time to know you, she just
doesn't know you that well yet." This statement rang a bell for me. I was
confused but also realized a peace in the realization of my walls. I felt a
little bit safer. I realized this was often the issue with my friendships. I
just don't allow my friends to get to know me that well. In all honesty, I'm okay
with this reality. Having only a few people who really know me feels safe. My
sister said something else, though, that made me realize by doing this, playing
it safe, I was wrong.
For those reading this who do not know me, I am an amazing woman. The words
dope, phenomenal, outstanding, beast, and stunning have been used to describe
me all while joined with sweet, humble, loving, caring, and precious. I am
honored to have such words used to describe this imperfect servant. I do not
say these things out of haughtiness but out of humility in truth. To not share
the truth of the struggles that are common to women would be a disservice: not
because my words are so profound, but because there is power in truth in
recognizing that emotions are no excuse for not being an amazing woman, in
fact, they should propel for positive change.
I have been diagnosed with clinical depression since the fall of 2005. These
past 10 years since have been hell mapping out my emotions, struggling to make
progress, and seeking help from professionals and family. I won't pretend to
have perfectly mastered the cycles which having depression creates; however, I
have learned how to embrace and celebrate the variety of emotions I experience
without tail-spinning or causing pain for the people who love me.
The primary ingredient is recognizing that my soul is dependent on my Lord.
Sometimes forcing the remember that my joy is in Him and gulping in His freedom
and peace. What I remind myself of is that He has given me everything I need,
right now in this moment, to be great physically, emotionally, mentally, and in
what people perceive of me. Which leads me to my secondary rule: live in this
immediate moment. Enjoy it.
I work hard to live in the moment. Whatever that moment brings, I drink in.
Recently, I was extremely sleep deprived and emotionally strung-out from
traveling to an amazing wedding that I had the opportunity to serve in. All I
wanted to do was be present for whatever the bride but I was useless
emotionally and exhausted. I was with my sister at the time. I began crying,
laughing with random screams all at the same time. My sister was deeply alarmed
at my break down. I explained to her, to let the feelings out in a controlled environment,
privately, was the best way for me to remain sane. I had to fully feel the
reality of my conflict in order to move forward from it. After my hysterical
moment passed, I told my sister I needed to just go to bed. People are often
ashamed to feel the emotions that are less pleasant. What is crucial to realize
is that your emotions do not have to change how you treat individuals but they
do need to be expressed somehow and released. I am not so bold in this that I
do this in front of people who I know will only judge or misunderstand the
moment. I choose to do it privately, or in front of my sister.
I am getting ready to move in with this same woman who saw my depression
cripple me. Our friendship will prayerfully grow stronger in this. My prayer is
that I will learn how to let someone else within these walls, so that maybe
I'll learn to make it a little easier let in the man God is preparing to lead
my household or the future friendships God plans to foster for His glory. My
fear is that no one can handle Karis Grace in full. It is easy to accept the
joy that my God gives me to exude. When I am not living in that joy and
freedom, it can be a challenge to accept just Karis. That is the fear. That is
the lie. We are all human trying to navigate how to become better than the last
generation. We are not alone. We are not crazy for feeling. We are crazy to
want to hide those feelings instead of embracing the beauty of each moment.
Today embrace what makes you human. Let yourself feel deeply. Laugh harder.
Eventually you will discover that when you let yourself feel appropriately
instead of stuffing down emotions in attempt to ignore them or lashing out at
others, you will be happier. You will love people more. You will recognize:
we're all beautifully dynamic survivors.
