Like a BOSS

I grew up in a Christian household with parents who were extremely adamant about applying the Word of God to every element of our home. We were taught according to scripture, our lives revolved around scripture, even discipline involved scripture and praying. By the time I was in middle school and high school my demeanor was that of a very devout Christian young lady in the making but my heart was bitter toward the instruction I received even in the midst of genuinely desiring the Lord. When I got into college I saw there as an alternative to the Christ like lifestyle I had been taught. It did not take me long to toss out everything God had etched on my heart and fully embrace all that the world had to offer. In less than a year the movie of my life had changed from “Never Been Kissed” to “Coyote Ugly” and I reveled in it.

During my year off school I jumped into a group of college girls with a similar background to my own but also enjoying the worlds gifts that our parents did not tell us about. I had fun. I had heart break also, but I had more fun to deal with it. Since I was not in school, my fun was a revolving door. By the time the drunkenness wore off it was time for work. When work ended I would meet up with whichever boy toy was available until my friends got out of class. I was living. I got a tattoo with my best friend at the time, that I had long considered, but the meaning was simply that after all this time people were finally getting to see me: the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. I knew God’s scripture. I knew that I was saved because Christ died for me and by my belief I was saved. I also knew not to cause others to stumble so I told no one I was a Christian during this time because I did not want to misrepresent who Christ is but I also did not want to follow Him. I knew all the answers. I simply did not care and I wanted to do what I was doing.

Finally, I had a moment when quiet was required. As in Hosea 2:14 the Lord allured me to the wilderness of camp and I heard the voice of the Lord pulling me back to Him. But the words in Hebrews 6:4-6 rang clear in my mind: “It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted in the goodness of the words of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting Him to public disgrace” (NIV). I loved Christ enough not to be comfortable with the idea of crucifying Him again. I was uncomfortable and uncertain how to return to Him. So I returned to my parents’ home; seeing their unconditional love for me that I often misunderstood for their attempt to control or condemn me brought me closer to understanding how God loved me. Naturally, I ran from such an alarming love that I knew I could never return or repay.

I justified my disobedience to what God was calling me to with scripture. Jesus said if I look at a person with lust then I have already committed adultery in my heart, so why not get the physical benefits too? It was such a high standard and I just was not there yet. Maybe I would be one day. I applied this philosophy to everything I did, my heart has already committed the sin and created the debt, I might as well benefit from it. I would never be accused of being lukewarm. I was hot or cold. Either I was coolly fully following what my heart desires at that moment or I was in hot pursuit of my Father. The best part was I had it figured out. I was following God’s law as it was logical and as it fit well into my life, I was not pretending to be perfect, I was genuine that I was not what I was supposed to be. I knew Karis. I knew what she needed and what she did not. I was happily content--no, enthusiastic--about the manor in which my life was going. I was a BOSS.

Then my heart was broken. It was not broken because of the man who I dated whom I trusted my heart to. It was broken by me. It was broken because as perfect as I thought I was at protecting it and giving it what it needed, I had failed. This time there was no way for me to even rationalize my misjudgment because it had happened in front of so many people. I did not appreciate the harm to my reputation. I did not appreciate the harm to my pride. I did not appreciate the harm I had put myself in the way of. I was taking responsibility for my error and I did not appreciate the fact that God was not accepting my logical faith. I knew my spiritual walk and it was better than what it had been. I looked at all the spiritual opportunities God had given me, I felt that God would never have used me if my life was not what He wanted it to be. I had seen all I had done in ministry in the midst of my struggles and I was, personally, rather impressed. What I had been doing was working in every area, why did it not apply also to my heart and what it needed?

The issue was my heart. As Matthew 15:8 and 9 says, with my lips I honored Him but my heart was far from Him, I was keeping that for myself. The only person I trusted with it was me. The reason for that was because I only trusted myself to listen to it, to hear its pleas, and to potentially satisfy it. But what makes the heart so precious and necessary to protect is the same thing that makes it impossible for me to protect it myself. The reality was Jeremiah 17:9, my heart was deceitful and it is sick with all the elements it withstands. No one can understand it, no one except the One who created it. When you create something, you are aware of its intimate details and how various elements of your creation will interact with the environment.

When I was very little my grandfather built me a doll house. I had since repainted it and became extremely familiar with it. It was mine and I cherished it. I protected it, and I kept it clean. My grandfather came back to visit and discovered that I had made some changes. He reminded me of what everything was purposed for and how intentional he was with this gift. Although I was extremely familiar with the house, by the time I was an adult, when I gave it to my niece this past year I looked at it with new eyes and saw even greater detail in it. Such is the knowledge of my heart. God fully fashioned it for me and handed it to me. He reminds me of how it was purposed, to please Him. I continue to play with, protect, and use it according to my own understanding, but as I grow older, it is clear there is still more to be seen of it. Think of how many things your heart houses. Of course it is sick with how many things it is tossed about in. Love, hate, joy, pain, excitement, anxiety, so many emotions before even considering people and circumstances! With every sincere effort I cannot guide, protect, and cherish my heart while remaining the loving, joyous, trusting, gracious woman God has created me to be. Only the one who knows exactly how it will interact with its environment can possibly protect it. I only know the things my heart has already experienced but God knows every possible outcome from things I have experienced and things I am going to experience.

God has given me a heart that feels deeply my own emotions as well as the emotions of people I come into contact with. What a blessing! Without His proper protection it would be tossed and broken. Today my heart morns for all those who sincerely believe that they know what is best for themselves. I encourage you, reader, to not be bested by the world’s decision to look out for number one. Instead remember who is the number one in all things. He who humbled Himself for our sake, so that He could have a personal relationship to love us individually. To protect us in every way including from our “better” knowledge of the treasure He placed in us.

Finally, I leave you with this: scripture is clear that we cannot both love the world and love God (Luke 16:14). Who is master of your life? John 14:15 states, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” So, do you love Him? Will you trust Him with your heart today?